How to Ask for What You Deserve (Without Apologizing): Negotiation for Women
You've been underpaid for three years. You know it. Your manager probably knows it too. But every time you think about asking for a raise, your stomach churns. You imagine yourself stumbling through the conversation, minimizing your accomplishments, maybe even apologizing for asking. So you don't ask at all.
Or maybe you do ask—but you sabotage yourself before you even start. "I'm sorry to bother you, but..." "I know this might seem like a lot, but..." "I don't want to be greedy, but..." By the time you finish apologizing and hedging, your request sounds like you don't even believe you deserve it.
Here's the truth: You are not asking for a favor. You are negotiating for fair compensation for the value you provide.
There's nothing to apologize for. Nothing to feel guilty about. Nothing to minimize.
And it's time you learned how to ask for what you deserve with the confidence of a mediocre man who asks for twice as much with half the qualifications.
Why Women Don't Ask (And Why That's Costing You)
Let's start with some uncomfortable facts:
Women are significantly less likely than men to negotiate their starting salaries
When women do negotiate, they ask for less than men in comparable positions
Women are more likely to accept the first offer
Over a career, not negotiating your first salary alone can cost you $500,000+ in lost earnings
The wage gap isn't just about discrimination—it's also about women not asking for what they're worth
Why? Because you've been socialized your entire life to believe that:
Being assertive makes you "aggressive." When men negotiate hard, they're "strong negotiators." When women do it, they're "difficult," "pushy," or "bitchy."
Asking for more is "greedy." You should be grateful for what you have. Wanting more money makes you materialistic and ungrateful.
You might damage the relationship. If you ask for too much, they'll think you're not a team player. They might rescind the offer entirely. They might not like you anymore.
You need to prove yourself first. You'll ask for more after you've demonstrated your value. (Spoiler: that time never comes because you keep moving the goalpost.)
Negotiating isn't "nice." Good girls don't make demands. They accept what's offered and say thank you.
These beliefs are actively costing you money, opportunities, respect, and career advancement. And they need to be destroyed.
The Actual Cost of Not Asking
Let's get specific about what staying silent costs you:
Financial cost: Every year you accept less than you're worth compounds over your lifetime. Raises are typically percentages of your current salary, so starting low keeps you low forever. Retirement contributions are based on your salary. Bonuses are based on your salary. Everything compounds from that initial number you were too scared to negotiate.
Opportunity cost: When you're underpaid, you can't afford the same opportunities—education, childcare that would let you work more, investments, the financial cushion to take career risks.
Psychological cost: Knowing you're not being paid fairly while doing nothing about it erodes your self-respect. You start to believe you're not worth more. You internalize your lack of value.
Professional cost: When you don't advocate for yourself, decision-makers assume you're satisfied. You don't get considered for bigger roles because you haven't demonstrated that you expect them. You signal that you're willing to be undervalued.
Time cost: Being underpaid means you have to work longer to achieve financial goals. That's time stolen from rest, creativity, relationships, and life.
Not asking isn't neutral. It's actively harmful to your future.
The Mindset Shifts You Need to Make
Before you can negotiate effectively, you need to rewire how you think about asking.
From: "I'm asking for a favor"
To: "I'm proposing a fair exchange of value"
You're not begging. You're not asking for charity. You're negotiating appropriate compensation for the value you provide. This is a business transaction.
From: "I should be grateful for what I have"
To: "Gratitude and fair compensation aren't mutually exclusive"
You can be thankful for your job AND deserve to be paid fairly. These aren't opposites.
From: "I don't want to seem greedy"
To: "Advocating for fair pay is not greed—it's self-respect"
Wanting to be compensated appropriately for your skills, experience, and contributions is basic professionalism.
From: "What if they say no?"
To: "What if they say yes?"
You're catastrophizing the downside while ignoring the upside. What if you ask and get exactly what you want? That's at least as likely.
From: "I need to wait until I've proven myself"
To: "I've already proven myself—that's why I'm asking"
If you're not ready to ask for more now, you weren't ready to ask six months ago when you thought "soon." The goalpost will keep moving. Ask now.
From: "They should just offer it if I deserve it"
To: "Mind reading isn't a compensation strategy"
No one is monitoring your career waiting to spontaneously reward you. You have to ask. That's how it works.
From: "I'm terrible at negotiating"
To: "I'm learning to negotiate, and I get better each time"
This is a skill. Like any skill, you improve with practice.
The Preparation: Before You Ask
Successful negotiations happen long before the conversation. Here's your prep work:
1. Know Your Worth
Research market rates:
Use Glassdoor, Payscale, Levels.fyi, industry salary surveys
Talk to recruiters about what they're seeing
Join professional networks where women share salary information
Ask colleagues at other companies (not your company) what they make
Document your value:
Quantify your accomplishments (revenue generated, costs saved, projects completed)
List skills you've acquired
Note increased responsibilities
Track positive feedback and wins
Identify problems you've solved
Assess your leverage:
How difficult are you to replace?
What unique value do you bring?
How's the company performing financially?
What's the market demand for your skills?
Do you have competing offers?
2. Decide What You Want
Be specific. "More money" isn't a request—it's a wish.
Determine your numbers:
Ideal: What would make you thrilled? (Aim here)
Target: What would make you satisfied? (Your anchor point)
Minimum: What's the lowest you'd accept? (Your walk-away number)
Consider total compensation:
Base salary
Bonus structure
Equity/stock options
Benefits (health insurance, retirement match)
PTO and flexibility
Professional development budget
Title and role expansion
3. Build Your Case
Create a simple document (for your reference) that includes:
Your accomplishments with quantifiable impact
Market data showing you're underpaid
Increased responsibilities you've taken on
Skills you've developed
Problems you've solved
Value you'll provide going forward
You won't read this during the conversation, but having it prepared builds your confidence.
4. Choose Your Timing
Best times to negotiate:
During offer stage (before you accept)
After a major win or successful project
During annual review cycles
When taking on significantly more responsibility
When you've received an external offer
During ovulation phase (more on this later)
Avoid:
When the company is in crisis
During your menstrual phase if you feel less confident
When your manager is dealing with personal issues
Right after you made a major mistake
What NEVER to Say (The Apologizer's Greatest Hits)
Before we get to what you SHOULD say, let's eliminate the self-sabotaging phrases that undermine your negotiation before it begins:
❌ "I'm sorry to ask, but..."
Why this fails: You're apologizing for advocating for yourself, signaling that your request is unreasonable.
❌ "I don't want to be greedy, but..."
Why this fails: You're pre-emptively agreeing that wanting fair pay is greed, making it easier for them to say no.
❌ "I know this might be too much, but..."
Why this fails: You're telling them your number is too high before they've even reacted.
❌ "I know the budget is tight, but..."
Why this fails: You're giving them an excuse to say no and doing their negotiating for them.
❌ "I hope this doesn't seem ungrateful..."
Why this fails: You're suggesting that asking for fair pay means you're not appreciative, which is false.
❌ "If it's not too much trouble..."
Why this fails: Paying you appropriately isn't "trouble"—it's their job.
❌ "I hate to bother you with this..."
Why this fails: Compensation discussions aren't bothers—they're normal business conversations.
❌ "I'm probably not supposed to know this, but I heard that..."
Why this fails: You're undermining your credibility and making yourself look sneaky instead of informed.
❌ "I need this because [personal reason]..."
Why this fails: Your compensation should be based on your value, not your personal circumstances.
❌ "Is there any way you could possibly maybe..."
Why this fails: Weak, uncertain language invites a no.
Every time you want to use one of these phrases, literally bite your tongue. The discomfort of not apologizing is temporary. The cost of undermining yourself is permanent.
The Scripts: What to Actually Say
Now for the good part. Here are specific scripts for different negotiation scenarios:
Negotiating a Job Offer
Opening: "Thank you for the offer. I'm excited about the role and the opportunity to [specific impact you'll have]. I'd like to discuss the compensation package."
Making your ask: "Based on my research of market rates for this role and my [X years of experience/specific expertise], I was expecting a salary in the range of [your target number]. Is there flexibility in the offer?"
If they ask what you're currently making: "I'm not comfortable sharing my current salary, as I don't think it's relevant to the value I'll bring to this role. I'm focused on the market rate for this position and the value I'll contribute."
or
"My current compensation is part of a complete package that's not directly comparable. I'm more interested in discussing what's appropriate for this role."
If they ask your salary expectations too early: "I'd prefer to learn more about the role and the value I can provide before discussing specific numbers. What's the budget range for this position?"
Asking for a Raise
Opening the conversation: "I'd like to schedule time to discuss my compensation. Would [specific date/time] work for you?"
(In the meeting) "Thank you for meeting with me. I want to discuss adjusting my salary to reflect the value I'm providing and market rates for my role."
Making your case: "Over the past [timeframe], I've [specific accomplishments with quantifiable impact]. I've also taken on additional responsibilities including [list]. My research shows that the market rate for someone with my experience and skillset is [range]. I'm requesting an increase to [specific number], which would bring me to [X%] of market rate."
Alternative approach: "I've been in this role for [time] at [current salary]. Based on my contributions—including [specific examples]—and current market rates, I believe an adjustment to [target salary] is appropriate. What are your thoughts?"
Negotiating a Promotion
Initiating the conversation: "I'd like to discuss my career progression. I've been performing at [next level] for [timeframe] and would like to talk about formally moving into that role."
Making the case: "I've been handling responsibilities that are typically associated with [higher title], including [specific examples]. I've successfully [accomplishments]. I'm ready to formally step into the [target role] with the accompanying title and compensation. What's the process for making that happen?"
If they say "not yet": "I appreciate the feedback. What specific outcomes or achievements would need to be demonstrated for me to be promoted to [role] in the next [timeframe]? I'd like to create a clear roadmap."
Negotiating Flexible Work Arrangements
The ask: "I'd like to discuss adjusting my work arrangement to [specific request: remote work, flexible hours, 4-day week]. I've thought through how this would work operationally and I'm confident I can maintain or exceed my current productivity."
Addressing concerns proactively: "I know you might have concerns about [potential objection], so I've prepared a plan for how I'd handle that. [Your solution]. Would you be open to trying this for [timeframe] and then reviewing how it's working?"
Negotiating for More Resources/Support
The request: "To achieve [specific goal], I need [specific resources: budget, headcount, tools]. Without these, we're at risk of [specific negative outcome]. What's possible in terms of getting these resources?"
If they cite budget constraints: "I understand budget is a concern. Which of these resources would have the biggest impact if we could make it work? Or is there a phased approach where we start with [highest priority item]?"
Asking for Credit/Recognition
When your work is being overlooked: "I want to make sure my contributions to [project] are visible. I [specific role/accomplishment]. How can we ensure that's reflected in [performance reviews, presentations, etc.]?"
When someone takes credit for your work: "I appreciate that you're excited about [project]. I want to clarify that I [specific contribution]. Can we make sure that's clear in the presentation/report?"
Responding to a Lowball Offer
Professional but firm: "I appreciate the offer. Based on market research and the value I'll bring, I was expecting something closer to [your target]. That number would be [X%] below market rate. Can we bridge that gap?"
If they won't budge on salary: "I understand the salary is firm. Can we look at other components of the package? I'd be interested in [signing bonus, additional PTO, equity, professional development budget, performance review timeline]."
Handling "That's Not in the Budget"
Option 1: Timeline negotiation "I understand that might not be possible right now. If budget opens up in [timeframe], can we revisit this conversation? What would need to happen for an adjustment to be possible then?"
Option 2: Performance milestone "What if we tied an increase to specific performance milestones? If I achieve [specific outcomes] by [date], could we adjust my compensation to [target]?"
Option 3: Creative solutions "If salary isn't flexible, what about [title change, equity, bonus structure, additional PTO, professional development]?"
Option 4: Market reality check "I understand budget constraints. However, I'm [X%] below market rate. That's a retention risk. How can we address that gap?"
Responding to Pushback
"You should be grateful to have this job." "I am grateful, and I also believe in fair compensation. These aren't mutually exclusive."
"We can't afford to pay you more." "Help me understand—are you saying the company can't afford it, or that it's not budgeted for my role? Because those are different conversations."
"No one else here makes that much." "I'm not negotiating based on what others make. I'm basing this on market rates and the value I provide."
"You don't have enough experience." "Let's talk specifically about what experience you feel is missing and how I can demonstrate that. My track record shows [specific accomplishments]."
"We'll revisit this later." "I appreciate that. Let's schedule a specific time to revisit—would [specific date] work? And what would you need to see from me between now and then to make an adjustment possible?"
"That's just how it is here." "I understand that's been the practice. I'm asking us to reconsider that practice in this case because [your reasons]."
"Other people would be happy with this offer." "I appreciate that, but I'm the person you're choosing to hire/promote. If you want someone else, that's certainly your choice. I know my value and what I'm worth."
The Power of Silence
Here's a negotiation secret: whoever speaks first after you name your number loses.
After you state your ask, stop talking. The silence will be uncomfortable. You'll want to fill it with backtracking, justifications, or apologies.
Don't.
Let them process. Let them think. Let them respond first.
This is where negotiations are won or lost. Practice this in low-stakes situations (bargaining for furniture, negotiating with contractors) until you can sit in silence without panicking.
Your Cycle as Your Secret Weapon
Your negotiation confidence and communication ability fluctuate throughout your menstrual cycle. Use this strategically.
Menstrual Phase (Days 1-5) - Inner Winter
Negotiation capacity: Lowest Why: Low energy, less confidence, wanting to retreat Strategy: Avoid major negotiations during this phase if possible. If you must negotiate, prepare extensively beforehand so you're not relying on in-the-moment confidence.
Follicular Phase (Days 6-13) - Inner Spring
Negotiation capacity: Rising Why: Increasing energy and optimism, good problem-solving Strategy: Good time for preliminary conversations and planning your approach. You're feeling hopeful and creative about solutions.
Ovulation Phase (Days 14-16) - Inner Summer
Negotiation capacity: Peak ⭐ Why: Maximum confidence, best communication skills, high energy, clear thinking Strategy: THIS IS YOUR WINDOW. Schedule important negotiations during these 2-3 days if at all possible. You're naturally more assertive, articulate, and confident. Your peak testosterone supports bold asks.
Luteal Phase (Days 17-28) - Inner Autumn
Negotiation capacity: Moderate early, declining later Why: Good focus and detail-orientation early; lower tolerance for BS later Strategy: Early luteal (days 17-22) is fine for negotiations—you're grounded and clear. Late luteal (days 23-28) can actually work if you channel your low BS tolerance into assertiveness, but be careful not to come across as irritable.
Evooluir practice: Use your Mood & Flow Calendar to track your cycle and schedule negotiations during ovulation whenever possible. If you can't control timing, at least know where you are so you can prepare accordingly.
Practice Building Your Negotiation Muscle
Like saying no, negotiating is a skill you build through practice.
Week 1: Small Stakes
Negotiate with a street vendor or flea market
Ask for a discount on a damaged item at a store
Request an upgrade (flight, hotel, rental car)
Practice saying numbers out loud without flinching
Week 2: Medium Stakes
Negotiate a bill (medical, internet, phone)
Ask a contractor for a better rate
Request better terms on a service contract
Practice your scripts with a trusted friend
Week 3: Career Preparation
Research your market value thoroughly
Document your accomplishments
Prepare your specific ask and talking points
Practice delivering your pitch with confidence
Week 4: The Real Deal
Schedule the conversation
Execute your negotiation
Don't apologize
Accept the discomfort
Ask for what you deserve
What Happens After You Ask
You've made your ask. Now what?
Scenario 1: They say yes
Accept gracefully. "Thank you. I appreciate you recognizing my value." Don't diminish your win by acting surprised or minimizing what you asked for.
Scenario 2: They say no immediately
"I'm disappointed to hear that. Can you help me understand what would need to change for this to be possible?"
Get specifics. Turn the no into a roadmap.
Scenario 3: They need to think about it
"Of course. What's your timeline for making a decision? And is there any additional information I can provide?"
Follow up if you don't hear back by their stated date.
Scenario 4: They counter with less than you asked
"I appreciate the offer. I was expecting [your original ask] based on [reasons]. Can we meet in the middle at [number between their counter and your ask]?"
Always counter the counter. They expect it.
Scenario 5: They make you feel bad for asking
This is a red flag about the company culture. Consider whether this is somewhere you want to work.
"I believe negotiating fair compensation is a normal part of professional conversations. I'm surprised that's not the culture here."
The Nuclear Option: Walking Away
Sometimes the answer to "how do I get what I deserve?" is "not here."
You should consider walking away when:
They're significantly below market rate with no path to close the gap
They make you feel guilty for advocating for yourself
They retaliate for asking (pulling offers, reducing responsibilities)
They're never going to value you appropriately
You have better options elsewhere
Walking away is negotiating too. It's saying "I value myself too much to accept this."
Have a walk-away number before entering negotiations. If they can't meet it, and you have options, exercise them.
The Compounding Effect of Asking
Every time you negotiate:
You increase your lifetime earnings
You build confidence for the next negotiation
You signal to decision-makers that you value yourself
You set a new baseline for future offers
You model for other women that asking is normal
Think of negotiation as a practice, not a one-time event. Each conversation makes the next one easier.
Your Negotiation Ritual
Before the conversation:
Check where you are in your cycle (schedule during ovulation if possible)
Review your accomplishments and market data
Do energizing breathwork to boost confidence
Use affirmations: "I deserve fair compensation. I advocate for my value. I am confident asking for what I'm worth."
Visualize the conversation going well
After the conversation:
Regulate your nervous system with meditation or breathwork
Journal about what went well and what you'd do differently
Celebrate that you asked, regardless of outcome
Release attachment to the result
Evooluir practice: Use your three-minute ritual before and after negotiations. The guided audios with sound healing can shift you into a confident, grounded state. The breathwork tools manage anxiety. The meditation helps you release the outcome.
The Bigger Truth
You're not just negotiating for money. You're negotiating for:
Respect
Recognition of your value
The message you send yourself about your worth
The example you set for other women
The resources you need to build the life you want
Your ability to pursue your dreams without financial constraint
Every time you fail to advocate for yourself, you're saying "I don't matter as much as everyone else."
Every time you ask for what you deserve, you're saying "I value myself. My contributions matter. I will not accept less than I'm worth."
That's not just negotiation. That's revolution.
Your New Negotiation Oath
Repeat this before every negotiation:
"I will not apologize for advocating for myself. I will not minimize my accomplishments. I will not accept less than I deserve without negotiating. I will speak my worth clearly and confidently. I will sit in the discomfort without backing down. I am worth what I'm asking for, and more."
The Transformation
When you learn to ask for what you deserve without apologizing:
Your bank account grows. Your confidence expands. Your resentment about being undervalued dissolves. Decision-makers see you as someone who knows their worth. You attract better opportunities because you've established a higher baseline.
And maybe most importantly: you look at yourself differently. Because every time you advocate for yourself, you're proving to yourself that you matter.
You don't need to be perfect at this. You just need to try.
Start with one ask. One negotiation. One moment where you state your worth clearly and confidently without apologizing.
That's how you change everything.
Your Worth Revolution
At Evooluir, we believe you should be compensated fairly for your value. Your daily ritual supports your negotiation practice:
Cycle tracking helps you schedule negotiations during your most confident phase
Affirmations build unshakeable belief in your worth
Breathwork regulates the anxiety that comes with asking
Guided audios with sound healing shift you into confident, grounded states
Mood tracking helps you understand when you feel most powerful
Your worth isn't negotiable. Your compensation is.
Ask for what you deserve. Without apologizing.
